I REALLY WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND ME

I WANT YOU TO REALLY UNDERSTAND ME. [Part 1 in a series]

Some relationship experts say many times men bury their true being under a facade of masculinity. July calls it the "Tin Man Syndrome," a state of being amongst men who feel they either have no heart or have no freedom to display their emotional side. The Houston-based lecturer and author says women have been a major cause of pent-up feelings that men experience. "Women are not free of responsibility," he writes. "In fact, they're willing participants in much of the `macho male' belief system. Some women are often culprits in the very schemes they say they want to end."

This self-destructive attitude produces a shell of a man who is ill-equipped to deal with the complexities of a relationship, or life for that matter. There has recently been a push by some Brothers to get women to drop the preconceived notions they have about men.


(A) I WANT YOU TO ENCOURAGE MY OPENNESS.
To be a man--especially a Brother--means never showing emotion. But while most men won't admit it, what many long to do is to cry, to laugh, to love, to lower their guard and not feel like they have to always be oblivious to the softer side of life. There's only one problem--men believe women will call them weak if they show emotion.

It has been said that there are only five situations in which a man truly feels free to show emotion--during war, while playing sports, while intoxicated, during a fight, and at a funeral.

This pent-up emotion is at the root of much of the anxiety, frustration, and a general sense of powerlessness a man feels.


(B) I WANT YOU TO HELP ME LEARN HOW TO LOVE YOU.
Loving a woman many times requires training and instruction, which men are afraid to ask for and women assume men should know. "To be frankly honest, men don't have the tools to love," July says. "Everyone expects you to flip a switch when you enter into a relationship, but it doesn't work that way."

Men have been trained from the time they were little boys to be tough. "Men have a heart, but many times they simply don't know how to connect with it," he says. "The problem comes when men are afraid to ask for help."


(C) I WANT YOU TO DROP THAT "WHITE" SOCIO-ECONOMIC STANDARD.
Many Brothers want to move beyond the superficial nature of some relationships, and into more concrete unions, built on realistic expectations and goals. Many men believe, even when he's doing all that he can, his lady is never satisfied.

While Black women have said Black men have a White standard of beauty, some Black men believe Sisters have a White socioeconomic standard when it comes to measuring Success.

Some men won't admit it, but many feel they can't win. At one end is the "man" trying to keep him down. At the other end is his woman who can't understand why he's down. "A Black man sometimes feels like he's running as fast as he can, and can't do anymore," Hare says. "He's afraid to talk about the things that he's doing to keep up, and why it seems like he can never get ahead. He needs the support and understanding of his woman."


(D) I WANT ASSURANCES THAT I'M NO. 1.
Many Black men feel that women have trouble saying good things about them, but have no trouble at all communicating the things they feel are wrong. Black men want Sisters to acknowledge how hard they work to keep the family housed and fed and clothed. He wants to hear his woman say she feels safe with him and feels that he is a good provider and protector.

"Ladies need to understand that it's okay to give compliments," Dr. Hare says. "It's okay to say something positive. A Black man feeds off praises from his woman. But many times he feels like all he gets is criticism."


(E) I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I DOESN'T ALWAYS WANT TO HAVE SEX.
It's perhaps the most prevailing stereotype a Black man faces--that he always wants, and is always ready for, sex. Unfortunately, the woman in his life is often the one who perpetuates this stereotype and the belief that if a man can't perform to a certain level every time, then he's less than a man.
Relationship experts say women need to make it safe for men to be who they are. While hardly any man would admit it because of its delicate nature, Brothers aren't always ready to stand and deliver, and are not consumed by sex.


(F) I WANT YOU TO BE ROMANTIC.
Some Brothers feel that in a Sister's push to be a career woman, between her business meetings and late nights at the office, she has forgotten what it takes to make a relationship work. One way to keep pep in a Brother's step is by continuing to add mystery and romance in a relationship. Brothers want Sisters to wear that perfume that he likes, prepare candlelight dinners, whisper in his ear.
But nowadays, it seems like romance is a lost art among many Sisters.


(G) I WANT YOU TO ATTEND TO MY NEEDS.
When he comes home at the end of the day after fighting lions and tigers, and the "man," he wants a woman who makes it clear that she is glad he's home.
He wants to be pampered, caressed, held tight by a woman who loves him for him--not for the money that he makes or the job that he holds.
He's not looking for an argument when he walks in the door. He's not looking for a cold shoulder.
Most men yearn for a kiss, a smile, a hug from their lady, her re-assurance that they are in the battle together, them against the world, and that nothing will ever come between them.


(H) I WANT YOU TO BE MORE COMFORTABLE WITH YOUR SEXUALITY.
Most Black men realize that the pervasive stereotype that Black women are too hard is just that--a stereotype. That said, men want their women to be more affectionate. Nothing pleases a man more than a woman who knows how to spice up things in the romance department.
More than anything else, a man wants a woman who knows how to have a good time, a woman who can be uninhibited at times, experimental at times, playful at times, and carefree at times.


(I) I WANT YOU TO BE THE ULTIMATE LADY.
Sure, it's a tough world out there for Black women, many of whom have to juggle full-time careers and family duties. But is it necessary to bring the dragon-slayer mentality home with you? Black men would like their women to leave their hard edge at the; front door, and exhibit their soft, feminine side more at home. The I'll-whip-anyone-who-gets-in-my-way mentality that some women possess 24 hours a day is a big turn-off to some men.