Today is June 6, 2010. Yesterday on June 5, 2010 marked one full year of my baby sister's passing. I am actually writing this with a calm and soothed spirit. There are no tears or pain or anger or disappointment or anything else that I might have expected. There is nothing but peace and tranquility within me. I have celebrated her 40th birthday with a dedication on another website of mine.
So today is more of a reflection for me than anything else. Looking back, I have no regrets. I have learned so very much in this one year. One year ago today when I first got the news (to my face, mind you) I was so shocked that I literally went numb. So numb that I was unable to shed a tear. Then after writing about it, that is when it finally set in. I woke up every single day thinking that I was waking up from a horrid dream. But after one minute (maybe less) the reality came crashing down upon me. I honestly don't think that there was one morning that I did not shed tears upon waking up.
I honestly believed that I would never smile again. I also got the biggest smack in the face which catapulted me into a true reality and out of anyone's fantasy, including my own. I distinctly remember at one point it got so bad that I could not pour a glass of milk because I was shaking so hard from grief. But as time went on my family and close friends and I did a lot of talking. I did a lot of writing. I discovered that writing was much more therapeutic for me than I had ever imagined it would be. I discovered that I would be able to smile again and maybe even laugh once in a while. In all honesty I still do not smile as much as I did beforehand. Maybe I never will, who knows. What I do know is that life is a gift. It is to be lived and shared. It is to be treasured and not taken for granted. It is way too short because no one can ever know when their life clock rings and it is time for them.
That is why today I often do not spend but so much time discussing certain things. I have taken on a new motto. I actually got it from a member of the other website that I belong to. I liked it so much I absorbed it for myself. It reads: "LIFE IS TO BE LIVED AND NOT DISCUSSED." We as men and women today spend so much time discussing life and trying to ensure things in life that we fail to live it anymore. There are no certainties in life so why even bother asking or wondering "what can I do in or to make sure that...." You can't do nothing because there are no guarantees in life. We try to force things that cannot be forced. We try to assure things that cannot be assured. We try to change things or even people that cannot be changed. For what? What purpose does it serve? What do we gain out of it all? I truly believe that we end up sacrificing more than we gain because we believe that things HAVE TO BE a certain way. No, things do NOT have to be a certain way, but we are entrenched in that belief. That is why many of my discussion topic surround current events or politics and less of relationships, people and changing. Because in my new reality, it serves no purpose.
That is why today I do not take on the issues of the world. I got enough of my own. One thing I recognized immediately [following the loss of my baby sister] is that I was living in a fantasy world and so many people [not all] who carried their own issues with them I would take on in some form or another. Thus I would end up [in some form or another] allow their issues to become my issues. I recognized that as 'over-identifying' with someone or something. It is fine to identify with someone because you went through what they went through. But when you carry what they went through longer than you carry what you went through then that is over-identifying with them. It does way more damage to you than good to either of you. I allow people to carry their own baggage and I will carry my own baggage. Anything other than that will hinder one or both of us.
I often say that it was sad and pathetic that I had to lose my baby sister in order for me to GROW THE HELL UP. But perhaps in his infinite wisdom, the creator knew that in my baby sister's leaving this earth, it would inadvertently show and reveal so much to me that I just was not getting. Well it did just that. With all of that said, I can definitely say that I have made quite a bit of movement in this one full year. I only hope that my baby sister is looking down upon me and saying "Good job big brother!" I still cannot say the "d" word when it comes to her passing. But I am taking it all one step at a time. My mom will always have six children. The only difference is that five are here on earth and one is with the creator. Until I see her again I have a job to do right here on earth.
TO MY BABY SISTER
I was here when you were born patiently awaiting your arrival.
Mom brought you home from the hospital, yes I remember it all
She taught me how to hold you, feed you, burp you, change you and clothe you.
You were my introduction on how to take care of an infant child
Thus began our bonding process as brother and sister.
You followed me around as a toddler
You always wanted me to pick you up
You always wanted me to carry you around
But when your daddy walked in you ran from me to him
It was okay, I was still young myself then
You were very sensitive
You always felt my pain
When I was spanked you cried as well
When I was punished you snuck me dessert, treats and snacks
It was us against the adults
You liked to climb on me
You liked me to play with you
You even liked me to read to you
There was six of us but it was just the two of us
You were only twelve when I left
I had to go off to college
You didn't even know what was happening
You just knew that a change was being made
So you didn't even ask
You climbed in the car with me to the station
You followed mom to see me off
You remembered all the time
You knew what the others always forgot
I don't like onions
I don't like liver
Many other things as well
You reminded the others before I had to
You were younger but you were looking out
This is what a baby sister is all about.
Older sisters take care of you
But baby sisters look up to you
When they get older, they look up AND look out
That is what I got from you
I will never forget
I will always love you
Until we see each other again
Your Big Brother
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